Currently lying in a bed after another morning of sleeping in followed by not wanting to get up out of bed. Standard, as Rupert would have said ha. I miss Rupert. I miss London in general. Just one of many things I've got going on in my head right now. I still question my decision to move back. All I've done is invite back in a load of old feelings and habits really. I wanted to come back to see if I'd changed if I put myself back in that setting, see if anything had changed. I guess much hasn't. I've changed but now being here just makes me more unsure than ever. Like, what do I want to do with my life? I've just been watching more videos of Ed (one of his songs has been used by One Direction on their new album and went to number 1 and I love it) and it makes me want to be a songwriter more than anything. But then college right now is all about drums, a project on learning to play tuned percussion and sight read music that I'm really not doing much work for right now (I'm going to after this, and lunch) and academic stuff like 20th Century history (boo), and Law and Ethics which I actually really enjoy. But with so much going on and buzzing round my head it just doesn't help me at all.
I played poker at Biggar last night cos Ryan's been going on about it for a while so I thought I should. I mean, I quite enjoyed the night - finished 9th out of 16 which is at least better than Ske did his first couple of times! - but where does that leave me? The guys there, the people there, they're different to me. They lead a different life, different things are important to them. But then I could fit in there if I really wanted, but it would mean letting go of the other side of me. I don't know how to invite every side of me, the full me, to be part of every situation I'm in. How do I do that? I mean if I'm at college they wouldn't understand me being obsessed with a football management computer game (I've just started a new game with Rangers on 01/02 for about the millionth time. I've named it 'The EBT Specialists ha). Just like the guys here don't understand that if I want to be a musician really that ought to come first and all the things we do, the going and drinking, the pub quizzes, the bowling nights, the poker etc, all that needs to go out the window. I want to be a musician and that's final. But whether I'll ever do more than teach, who knows. Rich, my drum teacher, made a comment the other day about being proud to not just go through the motions, to be part of the system. He wants to be a good musician and teach others to be good musicians, not just teach them technicalities. But I'm not even sure exactly what his opinion of a good musician is. Everyone plays music differently and yeah, he's probably well learned at playing lots of different styles, which is something I struggle with cos I'm son rock/pop orientated, but the more you learn about music in a broad sense the less creative you might be. The greatest musicians don't think about their style, they play things how it makes sense to them. From Hendrix to Bowie to Ed Sheeran, that's just how they understand music. I guess this sums up my life really - am I the sort of man who plays it however he wants, or who learns to play the way everyone else does? Is there room for both? I hope you've figured a lot of this stuff out cos I sure haven't!
Anyway I'm thinking I'm gonna write a song about this town, and what it makes me into. I wonder if it turns out any good. Guess you'll know!
Also I meant to say a while ago that I thought of another cool thing about this blog - should I ever meet anyone special, or should there be anyone who wants to learn about what I've been like over the years, this will the place for them to come. 23 (nearly 24!) year old Dave and his thoughts, all preserved. Like Riddle's diary, 'cept I can't control anyone from here. I don't think.
Last thing - who cares what anyone says or acts or makes me feel. I want to be myself all the time! That's the real issue here isn't it? It doesn't matter what I do, I should be able to feel like it's okay to feel it - and to show that! Can I be the real Davey Stu? I hope so. I hope you are. You better be! That's why I'm writing this - I'm counting on it!
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