30/1/13 - about half 11am

First essay result came in. Not sure why this is big news, cos I'm not even really that fussed and I know you certainly won't be, but you know what it's like - you do the work and hang around a place where everyone takes it seriously and you begin to too.

Anyway, got an A-. Pretty happy with that tbh, although I think there were a few around a similar grade so it doesn't put me on a pedestal or anything. Still when I think about it that subject really WASN'T for me so I've gotta be pretty happy with the mark. It is equivalates to 18/20. Jamie got an A, which would be 19/20. Wee bit gutted he beat me but pretty pleased for him as well - looks like I was right, there is some intelligence under the not really giving much of a shit haha!

Not much else to report, still just trying to keep on top of things. Had my first rehearsal for performance yesterday. Need to really work on the songs but I'm pleased with the guys I've got - a guy called Dave on bass who responded to my email and a guy he knew called Dechlan on guitar. They know the place much better than me so they'll help get other people involved and stuff which is good, and they seem to know their stuff so I wanna really get on it considering I'm meant to be the degree guy! Got an email from Annette saying we're to do a short presentation on where we're at including a finalised programme... And of course I've been in the first group this Monday coming. Gotta get that last track sorted.

Got a couple new lessons starting this week - going to Newmains for one tomorrow night and then got one in Cleghorn on Sat. Could be earning a decent amount at this rate. It's making me think maybe I would be best sticking around here. If I could get a function band together, keep doing lessons and get and play my own music as well... That would be a decent life. Like I've said, we'll see though.

28/1/13 - about midday

And I've been up for almost an hour, which is pretty good by my standards. Had some toast and páte. Was guid. Gotta try and start getting up earlier, got the awful news last week that I'll have 9am starts on Tues and Wed this semester... It's gonna be a long one.

So what's going on atm? Trying to keep on top of coursework... Still doing lessons with Maw and Chris, they're going alright. Meant to be doing lessons with Jamie from college as well but he didn't even turn up for our last one... looks like I'll be fabricating some stuff. As for actual lessons had a total rager last thurs - was meant to have 2 lessons that night and they both apparently forgot. Not good enough. I kept the night free for them, end up £30 out of pocket and didn't go out all weekend as a result. I didn't mind not going out, felt like a good weekend to stay in and take it easy. But I'm gonna speak to Jackie and Scott and be more harsh about it in future. We arrange lessons for definite and I want at least 24 hours notice or they get charged regardless. It's only fair, I have to be able to rely on income from these lessons or else I'd be as well not doing them.

FA Cup at the weekend there. Arsenal just got through 3-2 away at Brighton, which wasn't the most convincing result but given Norwich went out 1-0 to Conference Luton, Chelsea drew away at Brentford, Villa went out to Millwall (after losing the League Cup semi to League 2 Bradford the other day!), Spurs lost away at Leeds (hahahahahahahaha) and Liverpool managed to lose AT HOME to Oldham I'm just happy we got through! We could do with winning this cup. We need one.

Downloaded a game on my phone (yes, the Sony Ericsson phone I love so much) the other day called 'Fantasy Kingdom Defense' and quickly became obsessed with it. It's well made in fairness and very addictive, especially for me haha. Eventually it got too hard and became time consuming so I had to stop playing it, but then proceeded to install the original Age of Empires again instead haha. Probably will play that later if I get a chance!

Saying that I've a lot to do today. Would like to practice drums (got an assessment on displacement and modulation tomorrow - 16th note displacement at 110bpm, not cool!), and snare pieces, and glock, and need to burn CDs for tonight's lesson, and need to get powerpoint on this laptop - got a presentation for tecahing next Monday. Should be fine, but will need to practice it to get the times right, can see me going over the limit!

Sure I've got other stuff to do as well... I'll be glad when this course is over. I wanna start making money. Still don't know if I'll be doing it here or in London but we'll see. Speaking of which Natasha's got a tour as a backing singer with Rita Ora. Really pleased for her, also pretty jealous but it's fine, my time will come! For now, just gonna try stay on top of things haha. Catch ye. (Y)

22/1/13 - about 11.30am

I'm making an arse of everything right now, and feeling like quite a loser tbh. Not a very nice feeling. Played shite at football on Sunday for the second week running, was late for my lesson with the Braidwood kids cos I hadn't prepared stuff early enough, was absolute shite on songpop (which isn't important I know but was just very typical of the sort of funk I'm in right now) then had a fucking awful lesson this morning with Rich (I'm trying to cut down on using the F-word, but it was merited there... More on that later). I just couldn't play anything right, he was putting music in front of me - Billy's Bounce by Charlie Parker and a new snare piece - and I just couldn't read it. I don't what's wrong with me right now. Maybe I'm just tired. Went to bed about half 1 last night, didn't sleep til after 3. Just usual sleeping habits. I hate having to get up early. I hate getting up full stop. This country's just a pain in the arse, it's always cold and as usual there's snow everywhere right now. I don't know how I survived growing up. It's shite.

I'll be very glad when this degree's over. I can't even really think about that right now though cos I've got so much to do for it... Need to try and sort a band for performance which isn't gonna be easy cos I'm not sure I'll find anyone to play LTS on guitar. I looked over it yesterday myself and found I could play some of it but that intro's a bitch. Then there's teaching which I'm about to start my presentation for, on top of actually teaching Maw and Chris and Jamie. Fact is I can't half-arse things, if I'm gonna do it I wanna do it right... Or at least try. Don't think I actually am doing it right but I'm putting together plans and evaluations and stuff. Who cares.

This has been a very moany post, I know. I hate that. I hate that all I do is moan, and no one's ever gonna actually love me. Fact is I'm generally feeling very down on myself right now. Was watching back videos from my lessons with Mum and Chris the other day and I realised I don't even come across as being that nice. I'm totally different to how I think I am. There's a reason everyone always tells me I'm condescending and arrogant - it's cos that's exactly how I act. Or at least that's how I come across. No one's ever gonna really like me. I wonder if my friends even do tbh. I wish I could record myself all the time and review it. I want to know if I've always been like this. Maybe I should stop thinking about it.

Anyway this isn't getting me anywhere. I'm gonna go try do some work. If I can do that without messing it up.

18/1/13 - 2.36 (Starting)

Yeah, it's late, and I don't have much time, which is a typical situation for me atm. So I'm gonna have to briefly summarise goings on:

Finished essays and handed them all in today (YASSSSS). Posted a FB status that summed it up - "I'm finding increasingly that the words 'Fuck it, that'll do' are becoming a part of coursework submission process...". Yep, typo'd and everything.

Aussie Open is on TV, currently watching Jankovic v Ivanovic - all Serbian tie. Ivanovic is stunning. Murray's eased through first couple of round, Robson beat Kvitova in 2nd round today - well in - and Watson got thrashed by Radwanska in the 3rd.

Played open mic at the Crown the night. Felt I played alright, was more relaxed than last time. Main problem was how I conducted myself. I need to get myself OUT THERE. I need people to know what I want. To be successful. Johnny Cab and Neil and Barry and Kenny turned up and stayed to watch me which I appreciated, but I wasn't sure how to handle the attention. I never am. It's something I need to sort out I think. It's okay if I've got people I'm comfortable with around me. I'm happy to be the confident guy around them. But when I walk into the bar with no one else with me (which is what I did tonight) I can't be the main man. But then I don't think anyone could in that situation. It's a bar full of people I don't know. But no, some people could. Some people can walk in and just be the centre of attention. Be the main man. But not everyone who's big in music. I dunno. Probably best not to dwell on it.

Going for lunch with maw and paw and chris the morra. China Bleu lunch. Yum. Just realised that name makes no sense given it's a Chinese restaurant with a French word in it's name. Also going to Pink Turban with Ally on Saturday. It's gonna be a good weekend haha.

I've actually been thinking a lot about my diet lately, ever since last Sat. Craig was talking about it and talking about my body type and what I should do to build muscle, and telling me I should start now. I've started eating more regularly. Apparently lots of small meals is good for me. I've just decided there must be reason why I'm always hungry, and it probably stunts my growth if I don't eat more. I've started doing some exercises again, just crunches and push-ups. Dan's got the weights anyway. I figure if I do that every day though - like, EVERY day - that still ought to have an impact. And keep eating. Even if I just put on weight that'd be a good thing, I'd rather have a bit more bulk even with no more muscle than stay the size I am. It's kind of a good feeling really - how many people find themselves having to put on weight? I wonder how fat you are haha.

Anyway, as you can see that post wasn't as short as it should have been. but then I want to keep you up with what's going on. So you remember. Gotta go sort lessons plans for lesson 3 with Mum and Chris now haha. The joy.

Oh btw, Sexes. That's a guid one. :)

8/1/13 - about half 11

am that is this time. Totally contradicting my last post ha. Feeling good today, no idea why. Just one of those days where things seem to be going alright. Just had a drum lesson with Rich, which I really enjoyed. Got me to play 'Afro Waltz', which he said I did well then started looking at jazz comping, and jazz drumming in general. I felt freer (is that how you spell that? Is that a word??) than usual, more relaxed, and just went for it, didn't hold back. Makes a change for me. That's the way I'm feeling today though, like I'm not scared for once. Would love it to continue but it probs won't.

There's something else on my mind today. Not sure whether I'll do it but something's telling me to. I want someone to tell me definitively whether I should or not. My own head has a part that'll scream at me if I do and if I don't. I think I should probably just go for it really. My only concern is whether I might get the opportunity to do it in person instead, which I'd rather. I dunno. We'll see I guess. Or rather I'll see; you'll already know.

Anyways, better get moving, gonna head straight home today, wanna get lunch then need to take Chris to a job interview. Hope he gets on alright. Catch ye. (Y)

6/1/2013 - about half 11

At night that is. Obviously. I don't do mornings unless I absolutely have to. Tomorrow unfortunately is one of those days... First day back at College. I think anyway. I'm assuming we have Instrumental Teaching first thing. If we don't and I go in for nothing I will RAGE. or RAJ. That seems to be more popular these days.

I've been trying to get on with Instrumental Teaching. Can't really be arsed but I had my first lessons with mum and Chris last week, done the write-ups for them and I've planned a second lesson. Then I've gotta start Jamie's, hopefully will this week... With the essays I'm doing alright, basically finished 20th Century History and Ethics, started Law but got a bit stuck. Think I know where I'm going next though. Will try and get on with it tomorrow. Yep, can't wait til this year's over.

Don't even know what I'll do when it is mind you. For a while I was sure I'd go back down to London, now I'm stuck in between. I've already got students here (those lessons start up again this week as well, but at least I get paid for those :)), and I could probably get more, and maybe if I really tried I could get out and perform round here, try and make a name for myself. Ultimately though if I really wanted that London's the place I'd have to go, at least eventually. So I'd be as well doing it now. Depends if I can find work down there though... Guess we'll just have to see. Who knows what'll happen between now and then. We'll get this College year out the way and see what's happening.

Don't really have much to say atm tbh. (Nice... 2 abbrevs at once ;)) Got something on my mind, don't know where I'm gonna go with it though. Went out last night for Leanne's 21st, it was an alright night. She had a good time which is what matters. But then someone wasn't there and that messed things up for me a bit. Still had a good night in the end though, although again I'm feeling like clubbing's not really my thing. I'll probably keep on doing it though.

But on the matter... I'm not sure what I'm gonna with that. Wait even longer til I get a chance to ask her? That might not be til she's been away and back again. Could be talking months. Or text her and try and get something happening before then. I didn't want to have to do things by text but if I want to act now I'd have to. Who knows. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

It's funny, I know you'll be reading this (actually will you? Will anyone?) and thinking I sound like an idiot. I probably do. But as quick as you are to put people down for sounding like this you gotta remember that's how they felt. That's how I feel. And no, actually I hope you've learned, as I'm learning, that there's nothing wrong with feeling how you feel. Had an interesting chat with the guys last night after we got back from Glasgow. Just Ske and Marc that is. Chatting at the bus stop Ryan was saying how Marc had said a couple of years back that the only person you really have to please in life is yourself. And they don't mean it in a selfish way, more like 'you don't have to justify your actions to anyone but yourself'. And that's an interesting point. Cos I know fine well I feel I have to justify my actions to anyone and everyone, even though no one actually cares. Maybe I should just start acting on how I feel more often. Maybe people will like me for it if I'm open and honest about who I am and what I want. It could probably benefit me in a lot of ways. Even though I felt like a fool at the start if I'd been open and honest with said girl at the start I'd probably have had a better chance than I do.

And actually that's the other thing I was gonna say - you'll be reading this knowing how things work out with the girl. Makes me feel stupid talking about her ha. But maybe you'll be wishing things had turned out better. I certainly have a feeling I'll be feeling like that at the end of it. Can't see it turning out how I'd like. But maybe it will. Even when I tell myself I've got no hope there's always a part of me that can't help but have hope. Maybe it's right to. I'll give a shot if I can anyway. You can decide if I was right to haha.

2/1/13 - 2am

Hmmm, first post since Christmas day. I guess I can't expect to be posting all the time, I've got a lot on. As long as I keep doing it from time to time the blog will still fulfill it's purpose. I'm never gonna manage to chronicle EVERYTHING that's going on in my life, but time to time at least will be good.

So new years day has just ended. Hogmanay? It was alright. Was pretty good when I think about it. Went to Johnny Cabs with the guys for a bit (wouldn't be a popular destination right now with the whole John-Jane-Mooney scandal - I still haven't told Dan and Linzi ha), played COD for the first time ever ha, and some BOMBERMAN (yaaasss) then some Buzz. Was a good laugh. Then went to Maisies where we met Ally Bash and Alan and Vikki and Shirt Friend among others. Saw in the bells there, then eventually got round to going to the Woody. Woody was nowhere as busy as I'd thought it would be - actually thought it's be mental like Christmas eve but it was pretty dead by comparison. Still had a good laugh with who was there though, Chris and Boney, Craig and Kirsty, and Siobhan and Rachel and Kim and all that lot. Not many people were dancing but I was adamant I was gonna dance so I fucking did, mostly by myself, and sometimes with Jane and her sister (that's right, partied with Cab and Jane in one night... I really couldn't give a shit about choosing sides, I'm everyone's friend!). Was a good laugh.

Course the whole night was marred a little by one thing, which I touched on in my last post. It's been really bugging me since last night cos nothing happened there, and I don't even think she thinks I'd be interested, and now Ryan's expressed interest which I'm really not cool with. But I talked to mum about it tonight and it's made me feel better about it. We've got Leanne's night out on Saturday coming and I'm gonna ask her out. I have to really, to get some sort of closure at least. There's no two ways about it. It's a relief to have someone else say that to me though - it's not just me trying my luck now when I maybe shouldn't, I can honestly say it's for the best whatever the outcome cos at the very least I'll be able to move on.

We had Mum's steak pie for dinner tonight, with her lentil soup for started. Epic meal. And we had Papa round for it as well which was nice. Good to see him still active at his age.

Not really much else to say now which is good for a change. Chris goes to London tomorrow for a few days. I'm pleased he's getting away, although I'm gutted I can't go to. I'll miss him but it'll be good not to have too many distractions so I can get some work done (history and ethics just about out the way... Still got law to do though and have just started lessons... ugh), and hopefully get lessons started up again soon cos I'm skintooooooo.

Though of a new one today btw. REDDER. Like that one. Well played son.

That's us for now. Catch ye. (Y)