I'm making an arse of everything right now, and feeling like quite a loser tbh. Not a very nice feeling. Played shite at football on Sunday for the second week running, was late for my lesson with the Braidwood kids cos I hadn't prepared stuff early enough, was absolute shite on songpop (which isn't important I know but was just very typical of the sort of funk I'm in right now) then had a fucking awful lesson this morning with Rich (I'm trying to cut down on using the F-word, but it was merited there... More on that later). I just couldn't play anything right, he was putting music in front of me - Billy's Bounce by Charlie Parker and a new snare piece - and I just couldn't read it. I don't what's wrong with me right now. Maybe I'm just tired. Went to bed about half 1 last night, didn't sleep til after 3. Just usual sleeping habits. I hate having to get up early. I hate getting up full stop. This country's just a pain in the arse, it's always cold and as usual there's snow everywhere right now. I don't know how I survived growing up. It's shite.
I'll be very glad when this degree's over. I can't even really think about that right now though cos I've got so much to do for it... Need to try and sort a band for performance which isn't gonna be easy cos I'm not sure I'll find anyone to play LTS on guitar. I looked over it yesterday myself and found I could play some of it but that intro's a bitch. Then there's teaching which I'm about to start my presentation for, on top of actually teaching Maw and Chris and Jamie. Fact is I can't half-arse things, if I'm gonna do it I wanna do it right... Or at least try. Don't think I actually am doing it right but I'm putting together plans and evaluations and stuff. Who cares.
This has been a very moany post, I know. I hate that. I hate that all I do is moan, and no one's ever gonna actually love me. Fact is I'm generally feeling very down on myself right now. Was watching back videos from my lessons with Mum and Chris the other day and I realised I don't even come across as being that nice. I'm totally different to how I think I am. There's a reason everyone always tells me I'm condescending and arrogant - it's cos that's exactly how I act. Or at least that's how I come across. No one's ever gonna really like me. I wonder if my friends even do tbh. I wish I could record myself all the time and review it. I want to know if I've always been like this. Maybe I should stop thinking about it.
Anyway this isn't getting me anywhere. I'm gonna go try do some work. If I can do that without messing it up.
No comments:
Post a Comment