I've not done as much tonight as I'd have liked - a typical problem with evenings in the house for me, particularly when Football's on TV. Arsenal beat Readin 5-2 though which is good. Santi Cazorla got me 3 goals and an assist for my FF team. Even better. Wish I'd made him my captain ha!
Chris just text me from his room. Telling me I must be a good brother for putting up with his shit ha. I told him I give more than my fair share, which is true. I feel for him when he does that though. He often feels guilt late at night for having said or done things. We all do. He gets angry a lot, and then if I try to tell him not to and he gets angrier... I wish he'd think about this then. He doesn't want to get angry but he gives in to it far too easily. I want him to be stronger. That's why I get on at him about things. Mum too sometimes. They can try harder. I'm always trying. Maybe too hard, but it's better than not. This brings me nicely onto the main point of this post.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person_p2/
I just read that article. Pete Milne posted it on Facebook. I don't agree with all of it, but it has a lot of great points.
"Throw enough hours of repetition at it and you can get sort of good at anything".
"People quite because it takes too long to see results, because they can't figure out that the process IS the result."
Those two quotes hit me hardest I think. They're the ones I posted as a comment in reply to it anyway. I didn't agree with everything the article said; there was a little too much focus on achievement being the be all end all - it referenced the speech from Glengarry Glen Ross a lot which has some fair points in it, but is basically a boss giving a load of employees a bollocking for lack of success, not striving to sell, and pointing out his own successes, and how expensive his watch is. Well, we all know how I feel about salesmanship! It also demeaned what we feel inside a little - yes, for the most part unless you act on your feelings they mean nothing. But then having good feelings and doing nothing with them is better than having bad ones and acting on them. There's still plenty to be said for getting by without causing harm to anyone.
But nevertheless it's right in a lot of what it says. We have life, we might as well make the most of it. Contribute to the world in some way. As I've always said 'it's not what you can do, it's what you do do'. A lost of the lyrics from my song 'The First Step' also rang out in my mind as I read it. (On P2 there's a picture of a guy struggling to get up out of bed with the caption 'Step 1: Get Up'!). I'd never really thought of it exactly as they put it all though, like we have a duty to contribute to society. All I think when I think of that is that most people are probably too scared to try and contribute in a big way. I know I have been. But why should I be? it's basically what I've been trying to tell myself for years - that what I'm doing, trying to better myself, trying to do SOMETHING, is the right thing to do. And is that really what women want to see in guys? Probably, tbh. And what do I offer? Well I immediately wrote this:
I'm intelligent, particularly good with numbers
I play drums
I play guitar
I write songs
I'm just alright at everything though really
I can touch type
I'm philosophical - I'm not just a nice guy for the sake of it, I know WHY I'm a nice guy. why it's important. I don't believe in corporate bullshit or doing things because other people tell you to do it or being nice cos it'll get me somewhere; I'm nice because I want to be, and because I know that with understanding and compromise we can make the world better and life much, much easier.
And is THAT what women want? Well why not? My problem is I struggle to get across who I really am, but that's probably cos I try too hard. No, it IS because I try to hard. In fact NO! What I get across is that I try too hard, and that's because that is who I am. But that's not what I want to be. I want to be laid back. The best part of me is laid back. I want to be confident - ditto. But I still want them to know that I'm a good person. But there we are again - wanting them to know things about me. The more you want, the more you try and the more they see you trying. Stop trying. Keep doing.
But aside from that, I'm happy with where I'm headed. Or where I've got to so far anyway. This post isn't really making much sense I don't think, or maybe it is. Maybe you'll get what I'm trying to say better than me. All I know is that article hit me. And I don't want to forget it. I want to keep striving to achieve. I can do plenty, so like I said, I should keep doing.
So, will I move back to London and become a successful singer/songwriter? Part of me really wants to. But I've been feeling again lately that I'll find it hard to leave things behind. I don't want to be missing the guys again, and my family... But I have to do what I want in life. Achieve what I can achieve. And part of me really thinks I could achieve. But focus is my problem. Will I ever commit to doing something like that? I think it's about time I did. After all I've been playing drums for years, and I love it and would like to do it in a professional capacity, but the fact is I've never liked the though of that being all I do. So I'm gonna have to try and do more. And if the worst comes to the worst and all I ever do is teach drums, at least I've still contributed.
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