It's fair to say I've neglected this blog the last few days. It's hard keeping up with it. It shouldn't be, and wouldn't be for most, but I've got terrible long term focus and that's pretty much all that's on my mind atm. I flit from one long term focus to the next - just in the past 7 months since I've moved back I've had learning to play piano better, learning songs and busking, improving marching snare, going out and getting drunk 3 times a week (yes, I consider it a commitment - that's how I treated it), playing football regularly (twice), working on my upper body, and most recently poker, and refurbishing my snare drum. That's on top of all the things I have to do for college, the key ones being learning to play tuned percussion and sight read, which I'm not committing to well at all, and learning pieces for performance programme. And of course I can add songwriting to that first list cos it comes and goes constantly. I also had a spell of wanting to And improving my voice. Right now I want to work on them more than anything but cos I'm forcing myself to keep on with my college work I've barely been doing it at all. I've got a backed up log of ideas and half written songs that I'll probably never get round to finishing. It's probably time I sat down and decided exactly what I want and started leaving other things to rest. I decided recently that asking 'why not' is the best response to anything, but I think there's times where it's important to ask why.
I had the poker Christmas special today at the Falla household. Second year in a row I've done it. Played two games and finished somewhere in the middle in both. £30 down the shitter. Why do I play? I'm not sure. I feel like I need to be part of that community. Ryan always makes me feel like I should be, and now I'm sortof a part of it I feel like I need to commit to it fully. But I'm never really comfortable there, and I get so annoyed at myself for that. I'm never just myself. And I find that hard to take because if I were ever to be an artist I would need to know exactly who I was and be that way all the time. There's no point being a 'lad' just cos I feel it's necessary. I don't care what people think of me. I don't care if I'm a big softie and I do gay things. I HAVE TO BE WHO I AM. Until I get that sorted there's no point trying to anything.
I was gonna end things there but I've realised that this blog will have to cover the last few days which, as I'm sure you'll have noticed, includes my birthday. My 24th birthday... Ugh. I joke about no longer being a 'hot prospect for the future', but part of me really feels that way. 23 is the last age I see as being young. A student age. Now I'm 24 and I really, really ought to be going somewhere. But then I've always been behind in that respect. My formative years weren't formative enough. No one realised it but while I was quietly getting on with school work mentally I wasn't progressing at all.
But I digress. The birthday itself was alright. Good really, but with a bit of a mix of emotions. This was, of course, the pub crawl year as I'm sure you'll remember it. We hit every pub in Lanark, which I'm proud to have done, and got very drunk which was not a surprise. Had a great night really. Spewed in the Woody which was a bit gutting but hey, it happens. I don't care about that sort of shit, but no one else lets you forget it. McPhail made sure to post a picture on FB of me crashing out on the Woodpecker bar. I'm past caring though. It seems that people always look to make a joke out of me, but maybe I just imagine it. Maybe that's how everyone's treated. Obliviousness is key in getting on in this world, and it's something I don't have unfortunately - once again held back by what intelligence I have. Maybe if I stop thinking so much and keep doing I'll stop caring what people are saying about as much. Who knows.
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